Frankly speaking which I will want to go? It will have to definitely be the UIP.

Have many things in mind today which I don't know who to share with and who will want to listen to it...

Went for the HMS meeting just now. And on my way there had this very bad tummy ache which made me U-turn back to Hougang Mall to use the toilet. Not sure why but ya. Was having cold sweat and my tummy felt like a million needles poking through it.

Got to the meeting about 50 minutes late in the end... No one cared or even asked how I was and I know it is my business. But the phrase, care and concern in a team or even Exco? Maybe just not to me I guess?

Very depress after the meeting. Super awkward and just sat there listen to discussion totally not IN the picture at all.

But after meeting up my Secondary School's friends for dinner, I felt more lighten up. I can just be who I am and not caring what others say or what. Because they know me best for the whole five years in Hougang Secondary School. With them, I don't have to act like another person. And just be who I am. I don't need to think of things to say to them and BOOM. The conversation is there. Feel like leaving HMS Exco but I always have this positive mindset that MAYBE THIS TIME ROUND IT WILL BE BETTER? But ended up NO.

I miss my Secondary School days being so carefree and being myself. Having small appetite and just eating bread that I brought from home with Xiu En and all. Texting in between lessons to my RCY seniors and friends. Don't have to bother what others think about you and just live up to your name and self. Why can't I do that in Polytechnic now? All seem so different. I really DO miss those days.

As I took bus home with Esther, we talked about the past few Birthday surprises we gave her. It was so fun so happy. I was pretty lame too but even though I might be lame, they anticipate my lame-ness and joined in the fun instead of not bothering me etc. I love them so so much. It felt so WOW the past. Carefree and no worries.

When she got down the bus, we just kept waving hands to each other even though she might be like even outside the bus. We both still tried to have eye contact with each other and wave and smile good bye to each other. But now in Polytechnic? Maybe just the word bye with no eye contact and just a good bye for the sick of good bye. No continuous of waving hands like MISS YOU. HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON type of feeling. Once you get down the bus, just take your phone out and stare at it. Not bothering the person in the bus. This is how simple and innocent and love we have with each other even though I had not met them for ages due to my busy schedule.

*teary eyes*

Is just that I feel so useless and helpless and the whole world seem to hate me. I hate myself for becoming who I am now.

Hopefully no cadets are seeing my blog. Since it's like dead for quite awhile..

I am really happy today to meet them, but somewhere somehow, my heart feels empty and lonely. Maybe because I have yet found a true friend that I can share every single thing not worrying him or her to judge me and actually be there for me and support me when I am down.

Feeling really soft now~ My heart had soften, my eyes had swollen, and my hands are trembling.

Sorry for the nag. I just needed a place to vet my sadness, unhappiness, and my very own speech. =)